Big Fat…

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Negative. Sadly it wasn’t to be this time. We went back to the clinic after our two week wait and were given the bad news in the little room which has previously been the setting to our happy pregnancy news. I am really disappointed it hasn’t worked as after the whole ordeal of the pills, injections, scans, appointments, egg collection, embryo transfer and painful wait we are left with nothing. No frozen embryos and worst of all no pregnancy. It is very deflating. It feels like a waste of time, money and emotions. The real frustration is that it all came to an end before it ever really begun.

That being said if there ever was a time for it not to work then this was it. Before our son arrived we were so desperate for a baby that we would have been crushed by a negative result. This time we are disappointed but by no means heartbroken. We have a beautiful son to enjoy and we will try again in a few months. We knew it was going to be a long bumpy road ahead and we are pleased we have begun the process now rather look back with regret that we left it too long to start the journey.

It’ll take more than that to knock us down. Project Baby Number 2 continues…

Countdown

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Time seems to be moving at a painfully slow pace. I have an app on my phone that displays a daily count down. Today it reminds me that there are 18 days to go – under 3 weeks. As if I need reminding. I am a professional day/week counter now. 18 days may seem like a remarkably small amount of time but I am a phenomenally impatient person. Waiting for the IVF to begin was torture. Waiting for the anomaly scan was pure hell. So you would think this should be a doddle!

I am well aware that we are on the home stretch. The finish line lies ahead. But my apprehension and desperation to get this baby out safely is astonishing. I have a horrid feeling that the baby will be later than my due date and then I will be climbing the walls!

Those with children remind me to enjoy the calm before the storm. To rest and relax. But I don’t want to, I want my baby here safe and sound so that the pregnancy anxiety is over! We are so close now. But a niggling fear that we could still lose the baby prevents me from the excitement and relaxation I should be experiencing. Come on time!!

Scans Glorious Scans

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So I caved again. I decided that the wait for the final scan (scheduled for 37 weeks) was too far off and I needed some reassurance that the baby was well. So yet more money was spent on yet another neurotic moment. However, as I told my husband, surely my peace of mind is priceless. Aptly named the reassurance scan, it did just that. Thankfully all is well and my fear that the placenta had been failing or was detaching from my uterus lining were unfounded. The little one looked well, has hair and is in the head down position ready for action. Now I must just plough on through the remaining 6 weeks. Not long now…When will I actually believe that there might be a baby?

I Hate To Sound Smug

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I really I don’t want to be smug and offensive to all you ladies who are desperate to be pregnant. I have been you. I know how shit it feels. I also know how it feels to lose a pregnancy you have worked so hard for. So please don’t begrudge me mentioning the milestone that is reaching my 3rd trimester. I am so thrilled to be at this stage and now I am feeling increasingly, yet cautiously optimistic, about actually having this baby.

We had a scan this week. It was wonderful to see the baby looking bigger and we had some amazing 3D images of the baby. We have now been discharged from Fetal Medicine. The doctor said goodbye with the words ‘see you during your next pregnancy’! Woah.

Here’s too a quick and uneventful 12 weeks.

Fingers Crossed

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Today is our 22 week scan and, all being well, I shall leave feeling immensely relieved that we have passed the dreaded 21 week stage where we got to last time. My confidence in this pregnancy has risen and I now find myself daydreaming of the future. It’s a strangely unsettling experience. At our previous scan the consultant said that if everything was fine then we would be discharged from fetal medicine and under the care of the regular maternity ward. Eeek. Fingers crossed.

Another Milestone

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Yesterday was a significant day. It was the day we reached 20 weeks, which for many is poignant enough, but for us it also marks the stage we reached in our last pregnancy. It was at 20 weeks we received the earth – shattering news which resulted in us deciding to terminate. Thankfully all seems well so far and we are causiously optimistic about the future. In fact we have disappeared to Israel for some much needed sun, rest and relaxation. I am currently at a spa in a fluffy white robe. Bliss!
In 2 weeks we will have another scan and so that is our next mini milestone to work towards. For now we will just breathe a sigh of relief that we have passed the halfway mark and are, please g-d, in the less risky half of the pregnancy.

All Clear

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Sunday night was a pretty restless one. The scan fears were back. In fact my plan of going into work for an hour before the scan backfired spectacularly when I burst into tears moments before leaving home. I stayed at home instead.
At the hospital we had an agonising wait followed by my standard fear of actually looking at the monitor. Thankfully the scan was a big success. The doctor said that he was confident that the baby was healthy and had not developed the condition our last baby had suffered from. To say we were relieved was an understatement. The baby appears to be totally normal. We are thrilled.
Now while that eliminates one fear I entirely expect some more panics along the way. Certainly until I can feel the baby move. Another milestone down though. Now I am focusing on getting to 20 weeks. Phew!

Big Day

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Today is a big day. It is the scan which should allow the consultant to confirm the health of the baby. Obviously that means I am riddled with panic and anxiety.
Exacerbating that is the fact that two people I know have just announced their pregnancies. It made me fearful that, like last time, friends or people I know, will go on to have their babies while I once again will not get mine. It’s been an emotional few days!
Let’s hope today is a step in the right direction. I have a horrible feeling our current happiness may come to a sudden end once again.

Step Away From Google

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If you were to see the things I have typed into Google you would refer me for psychological help. Often a specific worry will pop into my head and I will have to Google it immediately. I am clearly not the only lunatic out there though because all my searches generate a multitude of search results from other equally neurotic women.

At the moment my concern is due to the fact that it has been 3 weeks since I have had a scan and now I am anxious that I have had a missed miscarriage during that time. Each day I tell my husband that the baby is dead. Aren’t I fun to be around?! I think in the next month, when I start to feel the baby moving, I will take comfort in that. Until then I am trying not to interpret, or misinterpret, certain feelings and movements. At the moment I worry that my bump is shrinking and my boobs have stopped aching and that this indicates a pregnancy loss. Grrrrrr….

Luckily I have a scan in 7 days. Not that I am counting!

Dare I Believe It

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On Friday we had a scan (I know, another one!) and the doctor seemed pleased with what he saw and said I could relax a little. He also said we didn’t need to return for a month. I desperately want to believe it will all be okay now but I still can’t shake off the fear that it will all get stolen away from us again. However I am going to try to be little more positive.
I’m aware that as I get bigger it becomes more obvious that I am pregnant and so we could tell people. However it really scares me to. It makes it more real to say it aloud and I haven’t really allowed myself to believe that there will be a baby. I did look at the monitor at the scan though so that’s progress!