We have just returned from our first family holiday to Israel. As we walked down the beach with our baby in his pram I couldn’t help thinking back to the last two visits I made to Israel.
The previous one was in October, I was 20 weeks pregnant and while I was incredibly grateful to be pregnant I was also extremely anxious about the outcome of my pregnancy. As I looked out across the sea I thought to myself ‘I hope I have a baby on my next visit’.
The trip prior to that was last March two weeks after the loss of our baby and it was a bleak and miserable time. I was unsure what the future held, when I may be pregnant again and how I would cope with the heartbreaking loss.
What struck me was how different life was on each of the three visits and how quickly and dramatically things can change. You may feel like things are not progressing on your journey to parenthood, or you may have had a loss that seems crippling. This time next year things may be very different.
Sadly we are home now from our holiday. We had a gorgeous week in Israel and it was wonderful to spend time with my family and husband. It seems so strange to think that the last visit to Israel, 2 weeks after our termination for medical reasons, was during such a dark and depressing time. For this visit we were in a different, hopeful and positive place. So much can change in 8 months.
We walked along the same beach we always do and silently hoped that our next visit would be with a little one in tow.
The baby is increasingly active and I love the movements I can feel. Hopefully soon my husband will get to feel them too. Every night I place his hand on my tummy convinced he will feel the kicks. I can’t wait for him to enjoy it too.
During our 4 month wait we had to escape. Planning trips was helpful as they served as little landmarks to look forward to (along with periods and ovulation) as we waited for the time when we could try to conceive again. It was beneficial to have a change of scenery when it all got too much, which it regularly did.
Our first trip was 2 weeks after the termination. We went to my parents home in Israel and it was a trip filled with sadness and a lot of tears. But it was healing in many ways to get away.
Next, we went away for my husband’s 30th. I had arranged it long before everything happened. Despite my fragility I felt that after a really rough ordeal he deserved to have some happy times to enjoy. There were less tears.
Finally we went away for a few days just because. Time was moving so agonisingly slow and it seemed a holiday could speed things up. There were even fewer tears. They say time heals. It does. And so does a sunny escape.